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THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

WHITE HOUSE DIALOGUES & ANALYSIS

Axelrod: Hey BHO wheres my paycheck?

Obama: Well Axelrod, Plouffe just created or saved all your $$$, so you'll have to ask him.

..............................................................................................................................................

Obama: Hey Rahm, where's my gift fish for the Saudi King?

Rahm: I think it just got created or saved.

(Fish heads, fish heads, yummy yummy fish heads, eat them up yum!!!)

.....................................................................................................................................................

Subliminal Axelrod: "Well the democratic majorities in the House and Senate (poor saps) will be re-elected (when hell freezes over) and I like my little moustache (it's not as nice as chancellor's) but the President knows whats best for America (just like he knows the constitution).

I am praying to Hussein (so that he will ensure that my job does not get created or saved...)
.............................................................................................................................................................


:::IN RELATED NEWS:::

Mr. Obama has been taking some "tough questions" from Republicans up in DC.  They are having a discussion which is similar to a discussion which should have taken place over 7 months ago.  But in summary it is the wrong debate to be having.  Mr. Obama has chastised the GOP for being 'obstructionist' but sadly, America has not been thoroughly obstructionistic, in the face of this BOLSHEVIST MARXIST who wishes to "SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND."

These WEAK REPUBLICANS. They crawl up to the microphone.

GOP: Hello great one. Such an honor to be in your presence. Might I say that I have not, seen you on C-SPAN as much as we would have liked.

OBAMA: You are obstructing me!!! You say I am being a crazy bolshevist marxist, yet you have no communist marxist ideas of YOUR OWN!!!

GOP: Yes, master you are correct. We will continue to fabricate some theories as to how your majesty can further dominate the United States, and Darwin willing, you will accept these plans and welcome our pitiful ranks into your glory.

OBAMA: GEORGE BUSH HANDED TO ME!!! A spending proposal tainted with earmarks and lobbyist olive branches and I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO PASS IT!!! And let me tell you, that these evil wall street brokers are not smart at all. They DID NOT begin to sell stocks as a result of mine or Hillary Clinton's impending elections to the orifice of POTUS in late 2008.  MY FUTURE "PRESI-DENSE-Y" would do nothing but inspire a stock or real estate broker to BUY! BUY! BUY! And as I give this

LECTURE

to you, I will have you know that my stock Brokers have NOT SHORT SOLD THE MARKET HOURS PREVIOUS to my speeches in Travoltian fashion, but have

BOUGHT! BOUGHT! BOUGHT!

Some thoughts on Obams' Grate of the Unions address:

Obama halting government spending is like Obama without foreign  campaign contributions and the easter bunny. Bush didn't have two wars. The afghan war is OBAMA'S WAR!!! Obama will take any stride necessary to obstruct and keep job makers from influencing elections!!! There is currently no line item veto, therefore Obama should not promise that there is, or act as if such a line item veto has existed. Government spending should be halted now. Liberals go on the radio and criticize Obama, saying that if he were a 'good leftist' then he would be doing what he promised, however nothing could be further from the truth!!! Obama has acted as a perfect leftist, LYING, breaking promises and failing to succeed as a politician in the United States.

If Obama were to outlaw all foreign campaign contributions, his second term would be wholly alleviated prior to mere conception.  

We have entered an age in US politics, where what is up for debate is not whether or not the president is lying in a speech, but whether the response by any all sane humans present was reverent or irreverent. It is very sad. This madman blames his successes on previous administrations, and blames his impending political failures on future GOP majorities.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

WH LEAKS MA CAMPAIGN AMBITIONS



Pre Speech Dialogue, Boston Massachusetts, January 2010:


WH AIDE: " No, sir, her name is Martha Coakley. She is campaigning to be Massachusetts' next state senator in the absence of Ted Kennedy.


OBAMA: "Did you say COKE? I'm there!  Warm up the ol' bird!"


WH AIDE: "Sir, it is not presidential to refer to her as "Old Bird."


OBAMA: "I was referring to Air Force One. You're getting a pay cut. So who the hell is selling COKE in Massachusetts anyways?....Wait, Absinthe too???"


BIDEN: "What kinda name is Maria Coakley?"


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.



THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NATIONAL HOLIDAY

CAN'T WAIT FOR:


"NATIONAL READ AND WATCH LIBERAL MEDIA, RECOIL, & THEN CONVINCE OURSELVES IT'S NOT REALLY INSULTING & ACTUALLY KIND OF FUNNY WELL DAMN LET'S PAY FOR MORE LIBERAL MEDIA!!!"


DAY.


We're sleeping in. 


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

BLAME GAME


TRUTH-ER ARRESTED

FOX NEWS STORY: CHARLIE SHEEN ARRESTED

Yeah. Charlie Sheen just got arrested on 2nd degree assault/domestic abuse charges. Just released on bond out in Colorado.

OF COURSE IT WAS ALL GEORGE BUSH'S FAULT!!!

"I, along with Alex Jones, am pleading with Obama to launch a further investigation into whether George Bush beat my wife on Christmas Afternoon."

-Truth-er Sheen when reached for interrogation. Sheen's publicist has asked Americans to not

"JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS."

In related news, WOW WHAT A SURPRISE THIS WANNA-BE TERRORIST IS FROM NIGERIA. WHAT A SURPRISE THAT HIS NAME IS ABDUL. Editors here at The Crackhead Almanac were COMPLETELY, COMPLETELY SHOCKED. We would have thought the guy would approach an un-assuming flight attendant and ask her to deposit money in a foreign account, most thanksful dear.

And, yes, in Obama's America, people with "definite" connections to Al-Qaeda are allowed to travel freely on Commercial Airliners.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPE YOU LIKE THE CHANGE YOU "VOTED" FOR.

Well, well, well......Such a wonderful Christmas season we have here.

Berlusconi attacked by a moron weilding a heavy little statue.
A woman jumps the fence at St. Peter's Basilica and knocks over the Pope sending a cardinal to the hospital.
Country Music is becoming increasingly inundated by singers who sound like flaming homosexuals, singing about "kegs in the closet," and labels shoving in liberal agenda about "No wars no more," men being pigs, oh it definitely "pays to be a mean girl" in our "cruel world."  The Liberals have destroyed a form of music which used to be Pro-American.

How many times can Reba McEntire say we should "Consider" her "gone?" She seems to love sticking around saying that. Oh well..... Whats up with these country pop tarts whining about dudes that left them when they were 15? We here at the CRACKHEAD ALMANAC are starting to side with Kanye West because anyone who Obams thinks is "A Jackass," well that guys alright in our book.....

Best of all, Liberals in Washington DC are rolling around on the floor worshipping themselves pretending to believe that they have given a wonderful Holiday Gift to America's poor homeless minorities. Socialized Health care. A complete total destructive force with America's pursuit of happiness in its glowing crosshairs.
Sources confirm that the Liberals in DC have once and for all SOLVED the immigration issue. BUT OF COURSE!!! If they can turn the United States into a land where NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER WANT TO LIVE, A LAND WHERE HEALTH AND PEACE ARE BOTH THINGS OF DAYS GONE BY, WHY, WHO THE HELL WOULD EVER WANT TO MOVE THERE????

Yes. we here at The Crackhead Almanac are waiting, patiently, to see those 30 million people GIVE BACK THE JOBS THEY STOLE AND THE TAXES THEY REFUSE TO PAY AND start migrating back across the Mexico and Canadian Borders. One elderly woman claims that she saw a small gang of Cuban children jumping into Miami Florida canals headed straight back to Cuba so they can make medicine to export back to America. It is so wonderful. Mr. Obama is prepared to make way for Importation of Foreign Medicines, thereby increasing the workloads and paychecks of EVEN MORE FREAKING FOREIGNERS. YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, oBAMAS MAKING JOBS IN MANY COUNTRIES OTHER THAN IN AMERICA. We here have to settle for "saved" jobs.

Such Brilliance. on a lighter note:

HELLO!!! THE 911 TRUTH MOVEMENT IS TERRORIST MOVEMENT!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?
AND IN COPENHAGEN, THEY ARE SPEWING TEAR GAS IN HOPES OF REDUCING CO2 OUTPUT LIKE A TRUCKLOAD FULL OF LUNATIC MANIAC LIBERAL DRONES!!!!

Oh, and worst of all Obama has convinced GM to stop producing Big Blocks. What a bunch of worthless panzy tree hugger fairies.

But we must practice tolerance, children.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NEWS SCANDALS!!!

A rich and famous Female Athlete was found late Friday night, injured in the front of her expensive SUV. It appears that her husband smashed in the side windows for some unapparent reason. The repair costs will be of little concern as Mrs. Famous Female Athlete makes over $50 Million per year selling watches and razors and rolling little balls around in front yards allover the world.

UPDATE: Sources now confirm that Mrs. Famous Female Athlete was attacked by her obviously victimized, continually truthful, subservient husband. After hitting her in the face numerous times, local witnesses reportedly saw the poor saddened man smashing in windows of The Female Athlete's SUV with golf clubs, and yelling obscenities. After hitting his wife in the face for a few more moments, the man stepped back, dropped the golf clubs and began to sob uncontrollably. Women at the scene began to hug him and wipe away his tears.

"He just kept screaming things like "You trashy slut! How could you sleep with all of those guys and then think I wouldn't care??!!!!" He was yelling about her spending their child's college fund on trips to San Francisco or something, and then he threw bricks at her as she drove away...."

-Anonymous female witness

Global news sources and tabloids have already produced numerous articles, and aired television footage, praising the poor helpless husband for his ability to marry the woman so that he could later divorce her for what will amount to over $35 million per year of dreadful marriage to such a whore-ish woman. These articles and shows are also praising him for being so truthful to her and then beating her violently as punishment for her loose behavior. Some sources claim that the man's father also battered her from time to time. It is reported that the Famous Female Athlete spent over $10,000 each on over 6 male prostitutes in a single weekend.  When reached for interviews, most of the poor dudes explained how they were using the cash to pay for books and other education expenses.

"Like, dude that woman gets around...Yeah...If I didn't have to donate so much money and time to local charities and homeless shelters I'd totally be hitting her in the face for being such a whore. I hope I don't ever have to beat my woman for sleeping around like she does. I don't understand how some women make so much and then think its ok to do whatever, even if it means ruining the name of [UNNAMED SPORT].

-Anonymous Male escort (who has wonderful virtues)

IN A RELATED STORY: Former White House aides are now claiming that Hillary Clinton had close to 5 times as many affairs as former downtrodden subservient President Bill Clinton.

OTHER NEWS: Shelia Flint has now created a brand new collection of popular female dating websites which are sure to be extremely profitable. Flint was available to provide a brief description:

"Well, the way it works, is like, fat ugly women can sign up and become members of my new sites. Here, the fat ugly women pay like $50 per month to try to meet dudes, only, the catch is that there aren't any real dudes. Its like all fake profiles!!! Ha! So yeah like the whole website is a bunch of sad women, trying to find somebody to talk to and at the end of the day theres nobody there but fat sad ugly women!!! Sometimes the sad chicks post pictures of dudes to try to get more hits.....I know. I'm a genius you don't have to tell me!"

-Online Marketing Mogul Sheila Flint

CRACKHEAD ALMANAC editors are in agreement that Sheila definitely IS a genius for sure!!!

NATIONAL ASSOCIATION for MEN:
Here at The Crackhead Almanac, we, from time to time like to take a moment out of our busy schedules to shine the glory on organizations and associations which have been created for the simple betterment of society.

N.A.M.

We are all in joyous celebration because the National Association for Men has been formed!!! NAM has brought unprecedented legislation before the sumpreme court. One piece, which is sure to be passed, is

#6969+ Bad Mate Vengeance Bill: This bill ensures that if a man sleeps around too much in one month, he is actually legally allowed to murder one or more children simply to feel a heightened sense of personal liberation!!! 

Domestic Verbal Abuse #007-: This legal platform will give men who are married or are in unfulfilling relationships the ability to sue a woman or multiple women for saying abusive assaulting phrases like "couch potato" "sports junkie" "deadbeat" "dope" or "slob."

Finally some progress is taking place in this great land of ours!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.
Sources confirm that a minority woman by the name of Suejaes Estrada was killed after jumping 40 feet from a NY expressway friday afternoon. Her body was found near one of Joe Biden's AMTRAK train tracks. Crime Scene Investigators found a small diary in Estrada's vehicle. In that diary there were excerpts which read quote:

"I can't take any more of Biden and his AMTRAK. I've grown weary of this world and it's many US postal service trucks. Oh my lord is that TOM BROKAW???" (unintelligle scribbles follow)


Despite her SUV being green in color, that was apparently not enough for the Karma Police who arrived later at the scene and argued with the USPS investigators. Tom Brokaw (age 69) and his wife were in fact involved in the accident.which occurred on Friday afternoon. Some local psychic investigators are claiming that the entire ordeal was to blame on a noted "trifecta of liberalism" in which forces of liberalism and government control converged on one NY expressway thereby forcing the Hispanic woman to end it once and for all. Police have not confirmed whether the notorious spool of wire was owned by Tom Brokaw. Brokaw was driving a 2006 Volvo station wagon which was reportedly very "socialistic looking." Witnesses at the scene confirm that the Brokaws survived because of that angled piece of trim on the grille that until this afternoon was labeled as being "pointless" and "without function" by auto enthusiasts worldwide.


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.
Congrats to Barack Obama for deciding to send 30,000 troops to afghan world, even if he tainted the promise with other nods to fellow cowering liberals who hate the thought of American victory, peace, stability, etc. Shame on Obama for trying to act as if Hasan might NOT be a terrorist after all, no simply a muslim who lives around weapons and shoots members of the American military on American soil. Nope, not a terrorist at all! Happy belated Thanksgiving to all, and welcome for this year's MERRY CHRISTMAS! (haha "Obama" still has a red line under it...Sorry buddy, still not important enough to be in the dictionary....) It is now obvious to us all that the failing newspapers have been worshiping the liberals in Washington DC because those pinkos are the only link between the failing newspapers and your hard-earned tax dollars. Funny, if the papers would report the news accurately, maybe somebody would buy the trash they distribute. Sorry but only conservative blogs like ye olde CRACKHEAD ALMANAC will give you the truth. Newsweak and CRIME magazine continue to publish controversial covers, and more and more media outlets are secretly jumping on the tea party ideological bandwagon which bemoans the US government for its rampant liberal spending and debt increase. Hell, even NPR and SNL have been trashing DC for misdirected tax dollars and stupid government programs like cash for clunkers. DC! Don't give the lame-o papers a bailout. If you do, then well we can all agree that the government is buying media for everybody, well equipped with wonderful compliments for the DC libs. In related news, well Mike Huckabee has found himself in a bit of trouble. It's a complicated issue. Mike is a like-able fellow. but many red blooded conservatives are scrutinizing his past release of the Washington state cop killer. Alan Grayson continues to wave his white flag trying to get more attention from people because he is stupid. Why so desperate for fame lame-o? Well here's some helpful information for you. If you're looking for a job, there are a number things you can do. 

Millennium CHECK LIST:



1. Read your Bible and pray to God.

2. Start a blogger page/website or two, which highlight your wonderful life accomplishments!
3. Start a blogger page/website where you can upload pictures of junk you would like to sell. Link to those posts from www.craigslist.org. You will be surprised with all of the money you will make! The only problem with craigslist is that you have to update the ads every month. And people call you at all hours of the night to buy your junk. Seriously.

4. Upload every document you've ever written in Microsoft word, (including your resume) to www.scribd.com. The people there will read all your stuff and you will get famous!
5. Upload your resume and cover letter to every job website you can find. Apply to every local job on those sites, and be sure to avoid pyramid schemes, scams, and hidden pro-bono "opportunities."
6. Link your sites on Google Analytics. It is cool. 
7. Collect all of the precious metal you can find, like gold, brass, silver, steel, aluminum, lead, etc....
8. Fix all of the taillights on your vehicle, and make sure your license plate is renewed. Make sure your proof of insurance and registration are readily available. Try not to drive late at night. Especially during the holidays. 
9. Send lots and lots of $$$ to Crackhead Almanac Editors!
10. Read the U.S. Constitution, Especially if you are a politician or lawmaker. 
11. Soundproof your house if you are a heavy metal Rockstar. 
12. Always answer the phone if there might be $$$ on the line. 
13. Buy an old submarine and restore it. Because even if there is no global flood in 2012, there will be a whole bunch of nut jobs trying to buy it from you in 2011. (were waiting for www.2012submarines.biz right now)'
14. Listen to AM radio. Constantly tell your friends how the Ad Council is kinda lame and annoying. Especially if they work for the Ad Council. Ugh. Is nobody freaking tired of these stupid ads? Like the one where the girl is bitching about her husband being a war veteran, or the one where the Mom is baby talking her kid on the beach right before a tide of jellyfish washes in and says; "Shut the hell up!" Like all these people are too dumb to whine on NPR...

15. Go to www.komando.com and check out the cool security downloads!
16. Refrain from buying newspapers. 
17. Refrain from purchasing cable. Don't buy the products advertised on liberal tv shows.

18. Try not to pay for movie tickets. 
19. Learn how to fix your car, or buy a new Chevy or a Ford. 
20. NEVER employ illegal immigrants. 
21. If you are a professor, open your mind to new technology. Get your assignment sheets right and stick by them. DO NOT impose double standards. If you teach at a Christian college, try sometime to follow the 10 commandments instead of the liberal close minded dogma trafficked by other doomed communist professors. 



These are just a few ways to be a true American in this new millennium.


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

ON SALE NOW!!!


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC officially names the heralded award of "Crackhead of the Weak," to one ANH CAO, first term RINO, who, for some reason sees fit to claim GOP allegiance, and sees fit to shackle and punish The United States of America with Obama's INSANE communist health care joke. TCA Editors do thereby apologize on behalf of the land of Vietnam, for giving ancestry and lineage to such a disastrous Washington Politician, and sadly, one might argue that maybe the hippies were right, and the vietnam conflict WAS a waste of time, if all they are going to do is slam America with such a communist politician possessing the huevos to call oneself "Republican." Well, Anh, ciao to you, get the hell out of the GOP, and if you want to live in a communist system, there are plenty of 'em out there so go find one and leave this fragile REPUBLIC so its political and cultural wounds may heal. Back in 'NAM soldiers fought and died to stop the spread o' communism. Well looks like the CONG have made it to DC. And they said Hurricane Katrina was NOT pre-emptive punishment from GOD upon the people of New Orleans, well THEY were WRONG. Seriously all joking aside....Jindal can't you do something?

In a related story, the bones in Nancy Pelosi's face have now overtaken the outer surface of her skin and now resemble a ghoulish looking exo-face skeleton. Speaker of The Haus Pelosi is quote: "Pleased" to be "Growing evil gracefully" and hopes that the etching of masonic symbols upon her now bleached and polished cheek bones will prove to be quote: "A quick and speedy process." She has added to the list of "Shovel Ready Projects" a new quaint remodel, which will involve modifying the DC Capitol Building so it will more closely resemble Castle Grayskull of He-Man fame.

"The people of this great land truly want a government building that looks like this. (Pointing to an Architect's proposed model) With lightning and swords and stuff. I know. They told me. When I was in the Civil War."

-SOTH Pelosi-Tor

Those Liberals are definitely MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

RED HOUSE










UNRELEASED LIEBOVITZ PHOTOGRAPHS

Is the Crack House even remotely presidential anymore? Are they even trying? They chose Annie Liebovitz, a drug user, historically, to take the Obama family photo. Liebovitz is famous for taking photographs for Rolling Stone Magazine, etc., photographs of drug addicts like Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, Janis Joplin, well add another crackhead photo to Liebovitz' portfolio and we'll act like were all surprised.









CNN PROPS UP ANITA DUNN/DUMM/DONE

An article by Suzanne Malveaux and Ed Hornick at the media wing of the Communist Liberal DNC Party and Barack Obama, CNN.COM is highlighting recent statements from Anita Dunn, (AKA Anita Done, AKA Anita Dumm), and presenting them as a form of a rebuttal against Glenn Beck, who played footage of Dunn proclaiming that Mao was her Political Messiah. Beck called out Dunn for being the communist she is, and presented a set telephone on air, which only Dunn held the number to. Beck insisted that Dunn call and argue her case, yet the phone did not ring. Instead, Done gave some miniscule pointless statements to CNN.com.

"The Mao quote is one I picked up from the late Republican strategist Lee Atwater from something I read in the late 1980s, so I hope I don't get my progressive friends mad at me,"

-Free Speech Czar Done

It wasn't a quote. You proclaimed Mao as your political role model (expletive). So how is that an explanation? Whether she found the quote in a book, or a speech, or under her yappy dollar store wig, what difference does it make where the quote came from? She clearly professed to worship and follow a communist who murdered 70 million people. And again:

As for Beck's criticism: "The use of the phrase 'favorite political philosophers' was intended as irony, but clearly the effort fell flat -- at least with a certain Fox commentator whose sense of irony may be missing."

-Free Speech Czar Done

OK, stupid (expletive) communist Mao-ist trash can politician murderer loving woman, what the (expletive) does that have to do with anything? Did you want to call Beck out on his irony appreciation grade? Lady, you're a member of Obama's administration and you worship Mao. What does that have to do with Irony? There's no irony there. Dunn, you're just worthless. Oh, IF ONLY foxnews would get an increased sense of irony, then Obama and Beck could join one another at ACORN fundraising picnics in the south Chicago poppy fields.

CNN goes on:

"Dunn, taped in a speech in what appears to be a church,"

Like oh we here at CNN want to blame christians for inspiring Dumbo to worship a murderer!

"said the leader's philosophies were a guidepost for her own strategy on politics. She also praised the philosophy used by religious icon Mother Teresa."

So here CNN attempts to justify worshipping Mao, because she also threw in Teresa, and maybe talked about it in church. "what appears to be.." What the hell does that mean???? Appears that CNN is throwing in random words.

"Media Matters for America, a liberal media watchdog group, points out that former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, also a Fox News contributor, quoted Mao in a 1995 Roll Call profile. "War is politics with blood; politics is war without blood," Gingrich said, citing Mao.......................Karl Rove, another Fox News contributor, wrote in a December 2008 Wall Street Journal op-ed that President Bush "encouraged me to read a Mao biography."

AHHHHHH!!!!! How is that even comparable???? Somehow, Gingrich quoting Mao, and Rove reading Mao's BIOGRAPHY is somehow equivalent to Done's professing Mao to be the godhead messiah of her entire political career???? NOT EVEN CLOSE CNN!!! Not even close. Reading someone's biography, or quoting them, these are not even comparable to saying they define your political beliefs. Not even close.

Malvo, Malveaux, whatever...Where have we heard THAT name before? CNN should not let people write articles while laying in the trunk of a car. There you have it folks. More clear thinking from the morons at CNN.com. More incoherent blind out for blood zombie-speak from the murmuring Obama appointees. Next we shall hear that Obama's education czar is making "irony" education the top priority in America's indoctrination camps (formerly known as schools). "Irony" is now defined as "publicly displaying complete submission and worship to communists, dictators, and murderers."

-THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.
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