HARD HITTING NEWS!

Job/Staffing Websites Report Decline in Number of Roadie Positions:

Recent interviews with the Executives of job-sites such as Dronetemps.com and Yourglassladder.com revealed that despite an increased number of total job postings and positions on their very popular sites, the total number of positions relative to the Rock and Heavy Metal industry have begun to decline. A recent search for postings in the "Headbanger Badass" classification found a mere 2 results, one of which was for a cage dancer for Micheal Jackson's former band, and the other to remain nameless. One Willy Slidenstracker was reached for comment:

"Yeah, like my dream was to be a roadie for bands like GNR, or Warrant or somebody...But I log on to the site and there's like nothing. And you would have to be fried to apply for a healthcare position right now.....shah.."

Increased Number of American Homeless Receiving Vision Benefits in Order to See The Paradise Which Surrounds Them:

The US government has unveiled a revolutionary new stimulus plan which is designed around the concept of giving glasses or contact lenses to homeless people. The strategy, as described by the CBO is intended to help America's starving homeless people to finally see and realize, that even though they have it rough, at least they're not in some hell-hole like Chambibia where 1/3 of the population is routinely mauled by wild dogs, or ZhrachisCrackistaninoff where Mental patients are instructed to package their own limbs and organs for the purpose of commercial human consumption.

Study Finds Gaining Popularity by Giving Money to Lazy Slobs Not That Big of an Accomplishment Researchers Claim:

A recent study, performed by the International Council on Giving People Stuff (ICGPS) revealed that even though it might be politically advantageous to give money to lazy slobs in the short term, most people eventually see through it and agree that it's no way to build a political legacy.  Yet another historical investigation by the council proved that people have attempted to gain power by giving stuff to helpless people since the beginning of time. The council added that the problem is that most of the time the lazy slobs forget exactly who it was that gave them the stuff and then thank some Republican person who is wearing a nice suit.

Typing "CTRL-F" and "Tea Party" while on CNN.com Yields No Results- March 20, 2010:

An area woman visited CNN.com today to read about the Tea Party Health Reform Protests, yet no results were found even after she typed Ctrl F. The woman(name withheld) left the site as a result of mind-numbing boredom. Many CNN.com readers have begun to complain about the site, which is notorious for providing news coverage of new South American Chemical Castration procedures while ignoring the dark dictatorial cloud of communism which hangs over the heads of the world's growing jobless population.

Once Enjoyable Pursuit Becomes Sad Pitiful Awareness of Continued Global Masochistic Destruction for one Area Blogger:

TCA: So you're saying blogging isn't quite as fun as it used to be?

BLOGGER: Well....It used to be when it seemed like there was still a shred of remaining brainpower on this entire planet.

TCA: (texting) How so?

BLOGGER: Well blogging used to be fun when it seemed like there was a reason but now I'm realizing that the people in this world are just too addicted to their own collective stupidity. 

TCA: Wow mister. That's harsh!

BLOGGER: The whole world population is just laying there cutting itself to death recounting its own successes as total failures and seeing its failures as successes.

TCA: (texting) You're being kind of gloomy aren't you?

BLOGGER: Well, I...

TCA: Hold on I'm getting a call.

BLOGGER: Uh...

TCA: Can we continue this later? You're making me depressed.

BLOGGER: Eh....

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

PROVING THAT LIBERALS ARE STUPID

Barbara Broido. A woman who has a website. She draws cartoons. She draws cartoons of people like Glenn Beck, Karl Rove, Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Dick Cheney,  Rush Limbaugh, etc. She draws dashed lines around the cartoons so people will print them off and use them as voodoo dolls. Her desire is for harm to be done to America's Conservative politicians and voices. Is it a hate crime? It is complete hate. What would be said by the mainstream media if the same were proposed against Liberal Politicians?

Contact Barbara and tell her that she is a marxist hate-core anti-American joke.

And that if she was smart she wouldn't be plastering her face on the net.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

IF YOU DONT HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE YOU CAN ALWAYS GET A DEMONPASS

"Republican Politician voodoo dolls now ON SALE!!!"

"Which Witch Doctor is Which?"

How many times do DEMONCRATS have to do things like use a method called "SLAUGHTER" to bring Socialism to America so taxpayers can ALL pay for abortions, then die while waiting in line for healthcare, until you America will wake up and start making noise? They bring about a method called DEEM & PASS? They are actually sitting in the White house uttering the phrase "DEMON PASS." OH. WOW. 

America. It is the FOURTH QUARTER AND YOU'RE STILL DOING DRILLS IN THE ENDZONE.

The Obamas posed for a photo while on vacation:

Image courtesy www.killerplants.com

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

WHO THE HELL IS PETER BEDNAR?

Who the hell is Peter Bednar?: GLOBAL He certainly has NOTHING to do with this website, even if he might be out there allegedly trying to take credit for this site, LET IT BE KNOWN that Mr. Bednar has had no influence on this site whatsoever. 

Bednar is not even a US Citizen. 

Bednar doesn't care about US Politics. 

Bednar is ignorant of the US Constitution & the 2nd Amendment. 

He grew up in Prague in a socialist system and attempts to control everyone he sees or knows with arrogance, elitism, and stupidity. Other than being yet another Foreigner moving temporarily to the United States for no other purpose than to condemn it, PETER BEDNAR has nothing do with this website whatsoever, in fact this site exists in defiance of Eastern Europeans, Communism, Fascism, Elitism, and most of all stupid scare tactics. 

Bednar hasn't updated his own site in over 2 years what the hell. 

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

BARRY & RAMFISH

VANITY FAIR SIDIBE CONTROVERSY

HOLLYWOOD, LOS ANGELES- There has been some recent

controversy at Vanity Fair magazine. Gabourey Sidibe, star of 'PRECIOUS' is

reportedly upset after their decision to not have her on the cover. Vanity Fair

has released a statement on the matter:

"Well, we have a cover photo of [Gabourey] which will be published, but all I can say is it will take a whole helluva lot more than just one magazine cover to do it.Were planning on devoting half of the cover to her throughout the next 15 years due to her shall I say, mass?

-Vanity Fair representative.

In related news, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey are congratulating Sidibe for

her ability to obtain a record number of BMIs.

"It is amazing that Gabourey is so healthy and is such a great example for American Kids. We've calculated that a typical white American small town K-12 system should have a combined BMI which is about equal to Gabourey's and that's a real milestone.

-Michelle Obama

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NATIONAL STOMP ON A KEYBOARD DAY

ATHEIST EVOLUTIONISTS Worldwide today celebrated a new holiday which appeared out of nowhere, now known as NATIONAL STOMP ON A KEYBOARD DAY.  By stomping on keyboards, Atheist Darwinian Evolutionists hoped to prove that not only words, but actual phrases, sentences, and even books could be formed in Microsoft Word as a result of them randomly stomping on keyboards while on religious comment boards, and discussion threads. Sarvin McSeedles Phd M.D. OBW has been heralded as the "randomly accidental" founder of this "event." 

"Bigoted intolerant Creationists believe that a creator or intelligent designer is required in order for genetic codes to exist as what they believe are complex orders. Well, I hope you will take a moment to read what I have written here in my autobiography entitled: N;KLJWEQRNPIOQEROANSDOJPFVNJK;LAD!!!!!!!!!"

-Sarvin McSeedles

This Holiday is sure to catch on. Amazon.com has begun to sell other books which have randomly occurred in conjunction with this movement:

LALKMASDANJPVKNJ/%%^@ 

by Mr. nvevkdvpiuae,x/z[354

;LDV;AEDIOVOVNAN//LIBHIO 

by Mrs. ;lnkaenl;fhoeou352wrtb5h

mkoqenio2vnuio-4nouim[koqnmkl'NLAKNL;NL 

by Mr. & Mrs. niopu4gniopj4tuionqo[

Some amazing reads fore sure!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NEWSFLASH: HEALTH REFORM LED BY SMOKING DRUNK EX DRUGEE

WASHINGTON DC- As if Obama pushing Socialized Medicine in the United States while being a chain smoker, thereby negatively affecting his own daughter's Asthma IS NOT IRONIC ENOUGH!

Obama's doctor has recommended he reduce his cholesterol. But even better than that, his doctor has also recommended quote:

"Moderation in Alcohol intake"

What better person to destroy America's Health Care system than a chain-smoking drunk with a history of illegal drug use? Where are the Republicans? Why cant they be drunks too? Can't there be bipartisanship on this matter?

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

OBAMA MOURNS PENTAGON SHOOTER

WASHINGTON, DC-Attendees present were shocked today during a speech by Barack Obama, where he addressed the March 4th Pentagon shooting. The shooting occurred Thursday evening, resulting in the death of a lone 911 Truther Anarchist nut job wing nut. Prior to being fatally wounded, the gunman inflicted minor injuries upon two Pentagon security officers. The speech, intended by the white house to console the family of gunman John Bedell, did little more than strike grotesque horror into the hearts and minds of those present. 

"My fellow country men and women, we are all in amazement that an extreme radical could attempt to create such a disastrous situation so quickly, especially at a near and dear location such as our United States Pentagon. It is a tragedy that Bedell has died. We will not be able to interrogate him and then brag to the press, sadly. And, I must admit, that if John Patrick Bedell were still alive, I would have to most likely launch my 2012 campaign in his very own living room! In fact, I still might. They're on the phone? 

Ok, thanks!"

Barack Hussein Obama

As a prologue to the main point, Mr. Obama then proceeded to bite the head off of a live bat. 

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

CRITICS REVIEW "HURT LOCKER"

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC editors had a chance to sit down with movie critics Siskel & Ebert to discuss the recent blockbuster release HURT LOCKER, which is a movie that gives an interesting portrayal of soldiers in Iraq.

TCA: So, hey good to speak with you wild n crazy dudes. What did you think of Hurt Locker?

SISKEL: Well, first, I would like to say thanks on behalf of both of us, because we all know that THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC is a prestigious media organization, and its been about 10 years since anyone gave a rats brain what either of us thought about hollywood or anything for that matter.

EBERT: Yeah you all are pretty awesome. We're not even liberal we're just here to serve as a personification of the scum which makes up the Criticism industry. Whether its criticism of Art, Film, Architecture, or Fashion, optimistic creative people spend decades trying to please us when its really like what the hell do we know we haven't bought a new shirt since 1974.

TCA: So what about Hurt Locker?

SISKEL: Well, I feel the movie was highly inaccurate, it failed to mention alot of what really goes on in a typical American Occupation where Oil is being pumped via pipeline straight from Baghdad to Austin, TX right through the center of the earth.

EBERT: Definitely. I was sitting there with my shopping cart full of popcorn..Wondering where are the important story points? For instance. I would have loved to see a scene where Bush is hanging out with Saddam learning how to hide explosives under a stock ticker.

SISKEL: Totally. Where is the scene where the insurgents sit the soldiers down and give them copies of the qur'an so they can learn that insurgency is always justified against evil occupation forces. It would have been great to see a scene where Bush and the bomb techs are placing the IEDs in the ground just so they can turn around and blame it on the innocent locals. The scene where the guy is on the phone, I mean, he's probably calling his mom why would the soldiers assume anything else?

EBERT: I couldnt believe it. The packaging says war is a drug, but then shows a guy trying to quote unquote disarm bombs. Like he's innocent. (laughing, shaking head) Why can't they show a scene where the soldiers use technology to force the muslims to pick up machine guns. Hey Siskel don't you love it how hollywood types use generic terms when referring to war, as if we (winking) are too important to know what the names of weapons are like here (holding up a picture) here is a picture of what we all know is a MIG-29 sitting next to a Czech T-72 main battle tank, but I, being a hollywood type will refer to this as "a super plane" and this (pointing to tank) a "big ugly car."

TCA: So you guys are serious, right?

SISKEL: The movie I think was a great piece of Republican propaganda, but can't be recognized as actual cinema (rubbing neck). If Hurt Locker wanted to be taken seriously, it would have to have showed more realistic footage, where the Allah breaks through the clouds and hands toyota-loads of virgins to the poor dying insurgents right before he makes a cash deposit in a Hollywood bank account.

EBERT: In Hurt Locker 2, I want to see the US soldiers having to wear non-kevlar, or should I say soft fabricky turbans as a result of left leaning legislation right before they build, out of diamonds and gold no less, a mosque to worship Bin Laden himself.

SISKEL: Totally.

TCA: Ok well thanks for your time, I guess....

EBERT: You bet buddy!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

HIDDEN FASCISM FAIL: JAY-Z DIDN'T GET THE MEMO

MORE TOYOTA RECALLS

GLOBAL- Toyota Executives fell on swords once again this week as Toyota owners worldwide began to complain about even more design flaws, leading to a massive recall of over 125 million automotive vehicles. Photographs and reports are beginning to surface of Toyota cars and trucks which have been sold with "little to no earthquake resistance" whatsoever. Recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile as well as other cities have proven that Toyotas are proving to be the "least earthquake resistant of vehicles" being driven in 7th world nations. TCA interviewers spoke with a woman whose husband was killed as a result of low Toyota quality.

"My husband was driving his Toyota Prius when the evil American earthquake hit. They told me a massive bridge fell on him. The bridge smashed my husband like a tiny bug because of that crappy car. 
DAMN YOU TOYOTA!!!"

-Mamasita Juan Carlos Estrada-Juarez- Toyota Victim

 Consumer Reports as well as other fringe conspiracy groups are beginning to theorize that

earthquake non-resistance problems were known as early as 2006, under you guessed it, 

THE EVIL BUSH ADMINISTRATION!!!!!

Thereby causing many in the conservative blogosphere to ponder:

WHAT DID GEORGE BUSH KNOW ABOUT EARTHQUAKE NON-RESISTANCE IN NEW TOYOTAS?

Stay tuned for more updates!!!

.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

CPAC 2010: UPDATE

RON PAUL UNVEILS 2012 PLAN TO REPLACE 
FED WITH 24 HOUR DEALER HANGOUT

WASHINGTON, DC- Conservatives, Libertarians, & Extremists were astounded 
by many points unveiled last weekend during a speech by Ron Paul (?) at the 2010 CPAC 
in Washington DC. During the extensive maniacal but interesting rant, Paul unveiled many of his deepest darkest intentions for winning the future 2012 Presidential Election.  During the first 20 minutes of the address, Paul displayed numerous large boards which explained how he was in fact not Ross Perot, and that the "Real" Ross Perot is not a robot from NASA. After a brief wave of standing ovations, Paul began the second phase of prophetic revelation where he revealed a diabolical plan to eliminate the federal reserve and replace it with a dimly lit

"drug dealer hangout." 




"Well, as you all know, I have publicly opposed our nation's exploits in the middle east, where we fly around and drop bombs on people and then expect the world to pay for it. I must admit, that Obama's operations in Afghanistan will make it nearly impossible for my Drug Dealers to obtain Heroin at a reasonable price. I thought that by GIANT SUCKING SOUND!!!!!
...Excuse me. CAN I FINISH? CAN I FINISH? Excuse me once again. If we can replace the federal reserve, which has yet to be audited, with a 24 hour drug store that, Hello!!! Actually sells real drugs, like marijuana, crack cocaine, heroine, acid, 8 balls, etc., Well in my opinion that is the only public option that people really need.....CAN I FINISH???? Furthermore, I will make sure
that the drug hangout only uses incandescent bulbs and that no more than 50% of them will be on at any
given time...."


-Ron Paul


During the third and final phase of the speech, Paul surprised and wowed attendees by showing yet another big board depicting his plan to convert all hippies into one big government-dependent collective of starving dying homeless people sure to quote: 
"not vote in any more elections."


After giving more standing ovations, the attendees present voted unanimously for Paul over contenders Bob Dole and Walter Mondale who were later hospitalized as a result of mysterious alien abductions.


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

SEARCH STATISTICS

Recent Google Searches yield interesting results. 

Bush Failure: 29,000,000 results

Obama Failure:  59,200,000 results

Bush's Fault: 316,000 results

Obama's Fault: 3,360,000 results

Bush's war: 2,770,000 results

Obama's war: 24,000,000 results

tea partyer: 66,600,000 results

tea bagger: 27,400,000 results

conservatism sux: 96,500 results

liberalism sux: 149,000 results

republican rockstar: 143,000 results

democrat rockstar: 128,000 results

conservative media: 26,600,000 results

liberal media: 17,000,000 results

conservative musician: 2,330,000 results

liberal musician: 2,450,000 results

So who's the MINORITY in America???????

             Well start making noise then.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NEW FACEBOOK GROUP: OBAMA STAGED THE 218 ATTACKS!!!

NEW FACEBOOK GROUP: OBAMA STAGED THE 218 ATTACKS!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

INCUMBENTS SEEK BIRTH-ER ENDORSEMENT

NATIONWIDE-Democratic Incumbent politicians have begun to take heed of recent polls which display their bottom scraping approval ratings, and have sought aid and endorsement from a little-known conspiratorial movement now known as the BIRTH movement. Sources confirm that the "BIRTH" movement was begun when some rural rednecks took a break from filming what they called quote: 
"a remake-ification of deliverance-ization" 
on a farm in Alabama. They proved to be highly educated and insightful. 


"Well me and Flippy done decided....(unintelligible)....if we could prove that Obama was born in Tazmania well we might get a bus ticket to the Judge Alito and get ol' Bambi done thorn outer office."
-James Sam Bob (Founder of the BIRTH movement)


In recent months, the Birth-ers have gained in notoriety and financial backing to such an extreme that far left leaning politicians have begun to jump on board in an attempt to gain re-election. Liberal Politicians from Congress, Senate, and even The White House Cabinet have sent letters of invitation and acceptance to Mr. Bob's "BIRTH HQ" which only a year ago was nothing more than a tree stand on top of an outhouse. 


The Incumbents proved to be very transparent in their ambitions:


"I think the only way I can win back the hearts and minds of my Nevada constituency is to sign on with the Birthers. I think he was probably born in Hawaii, but why can't he release the long form certificate, why not?"
-Sen. Harry Reid


"I know I have disagreed with them in the past, but the conservatism is taking hold in this country, I'm beginning to think the only way I can get elected to the office of Governor in Oklahoma, is with the total endorsement of the Birth movement and Its PLETHORA of powerful lawyers and financiers." 
-Keith Olbermann, Candidate for the Governorship of Oklahoma


"Look. David Plouffe and I have decided to run on a joint ticket, to become the next Co-Mayors of Washington DC.  Yes we are aware that its unprecedented, but who would have thought we could get an illegal immigrant elected the HIGHEST OFFICE IN THE LAND RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA But seriously we have, on behalf of Mr. Sam Bob asked Barry to release records and the birth certificate because really what is there to hide?"
-David Axelrod, Washington DC Mayoral Co-Candidate


Surprising as it may seem, the Birth movement has grown in number and it appears that even liberal politicians are not immune from the temptation to question "Just where the hell WAS this guy born?"


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

SNOW CAUSE OF DC GRIDLOCK ANALYSTS CLAIM

WASHINGTON DC- The nation's capitol has found itself in a state of panic, gridlock, and unashamed ego-maniacal rage as a result of unprecedented snow. Yes, it appears that snow has taken over DC and now the legislative landmark has no choice but to submit to the very dominating temptress which is snow.

"The prevalence of snow has caused this nation's capitol to become increasingly inefficient, it seems like the only words spoken here are "Wow look at all the snow" and "What if we run out of snow?" It's difficult to clean from the Lincoln bedroom carpets, but when it gets to the point where I'm actually having to shovel snow off the front steps, man that is unheard of. Even in Colombia, which is my home."

-Marcos Valdez, WH Janitorial Superintendent.

When reached for questioning, District of Colombia Weather Forecasters explained that they were not sure if more snow would arrive in DC, but certainly hoped so.

-more at FOX NEWS.COM

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NEW CARTOONS

NEW TOYOTA AD SPARKS CONTROVERSY

BUY YOUR NEW TOYOTA PRIUS TODAY!!! IT PRACTICALLY DRIVES ITSELF!!!

(INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC AND BUILDINGS AND CONCRETE EMBANKMENTS, WHY JUST ASK STEVE WOZNIAK!!!)

Not only is the Toyota Prius small and very dangerous, it now has a special feature which Toyota calls "Deadly over-acceleration." Many toyotas are now equipped with this feature, and luckily, IT ADDS ALMOST NOTHING TO THE STICKER PRICE, IN FACT IT COMPLETELY DECIMATES THE VALUE OF THE VEHICLE!!!

 

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

WHITE HOUSE DIALOGUES & ANALYSIS

Axelrod: Hey BHO wheres my paycheck?

Obama: Well Axelrod, Plouffe just created or saved all your $$$, so you'll have to ask him.

..............................................................................................................................................

Obama: Hey Rahm, where's my gift fish for the Saudi King?

Rahm: I think it just got created or saved.

(Fish heads, fish heads, yummy yummy fish heads, eat them up yum!!!)

.....................................................................................................................................................

Subliminal Axelrod: "Well the democratic majorities in the House and Senate (poor saps) will be re-elected (when hell freezes over) and I like my little moustache (it's not as nice as chancellor's) but the President knows whats best for America (just like he knows the constitution).

I am praying to Hussein (so that he will ensure that my job does not get created or saved...)
.............................................................................................................................................................


:::IN RELATED NEWS:::

Mr. Obama has been taking some "tough questions" from Republicans up in DC.  They are having a discussion which is similar to a discussion which should have taken place over 7 months ago.  But in summary it is the wrong debate to be having.  Mr. Obama has chastised the GOP for being 'obstructionist' but sadly, America has not been thoroughly obstructionistic, in the face of this BOLSHEVIST MARXIST who wishes to "SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND."

These WEAK REPUBLICANS. They crawl up to the microphone.

GOP: Hello great one. Such an honor to be in your presence. Might I say that I have not, seen you on C-SPAN as much as we would have liked.

OBAMA: You are obstructing me!!! You say I am being a crazy bolshevist marxist, yet you have no communist marxist ideas of YOUR OWN!!!

GOP: Yes, master you are correct. We will continue to fabricate some theories as to how your majesty can further dominate the United States, and Darwin willing, you will accept these plans and welcome our pitiful ranks into your glory.

OBAMA: GEORGE BUSH HANDED TO ME!!! A spending proposal tainted with earmarks and lobbyist olive branches and I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO PASS IT!!! And let me tell you, that these evil wall street brokers are not smart at all. They DID NOT begin to sell stocks as a result of mine or Hillary Clinton's impending elections to the orifice of POTUS in late 2008.  MY FUTURE "PRESI-DENSE-Y" would do nothing but inspire a stock or real estate broker to BUY! BUY! BUY! And as I give this

LECTURE

to you, I will have you know that my stock Brokers have NOT SHORT SOLD THE MARKET HOURS PREVIOUS to my speeches in Travoltian fashion, but have

BOUGHT! BOUGHT! BOUGHT!

Some thoughts on Obams' Grate of the Unions address:

Obama halting government spending is like Obama without foreign  campaign contributions and the easter bunny. Bush didn't have two wars. The afghan war is OBAMA'S WAR!!! Obama will take any stride necessary to obstruct and keep job makers from influencing elections!!! There is currently no line item veto, therefore Obama should not promise that there is, or act as if such a line item veto has existed. Government spending should be halted now. Liberals go on the radio and criticize Obama, saying that if he were a 'good leftist' then he would be doing what he promised, however nothing could be further from the truth!!! Obama has acted as a perfect leftist, LYING, breaking promises and failing to succeed as a politician in the United States.

If Obama were to outlaw all foreign campaign contributions, his second term would be wholly alleviated prior to mere conception.  

We have entered an age in US politics, where what is up for debate is not whether or not the president is lying in a speech, but whether the response by any all sane humans present was reverent or irreverent. It is very sad. This madman blames his successes on previous administrations, and blames his impending political failures on future GOP majorities.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

WH LEAKS MA CAMPAIGN AMBITIONS

Pre Speech Dialogue, Boston Massachusetts, January 2010:


WH AIDE: " No, sir, her name is Martha Coakley. She is campaigning to be Massachusetts' next state senator in the absence of Ted Kennedy.


OBAMA: "Did you say COKE? I'm there!  Warm up the ol' bird!"


WH AIDE: "Sir, it is not presidential to refer to her as "Old Bird."


OBAMA: "I was referring to Air Force One. You're getting a pay cut. So who the hell is selling COKE in Massachusetts anyways?....Wait, Absinthe too???"


BIDEN: "What kinda name is Maria Coakley?"


THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

SHANGHAI NEWS: OBAMA IN DEBTOR'S PRISON!!!

SCOTT BROWN ELECTED: FILIBUSTER PROOF MAJORITY OBLITERATED !!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NATIONAL HOLIDAY

CAN'T WAIT FOR:

"NATIONAL READ AND WATCH LIBERAL MEDIA, RECOIL, & THEN CONVINCE OURSELVES IT'S NOT REALLY INSULTING & ACTUALLY KIND OF FUNNY WELL DAMN LET'S PAY FOR MORE LIBERAL MEDIA!!!"

DAY.

We're sleeping in. 

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

BLAME GAME

TRUTH-ER ARRESTED

FOX NEWS STORY: CHARLIE SHEEN ARRESTED

Yeah. Charlie Sheen just got arrested on 2nd degree assault/domestic abuse charges. Just released on bond out in Colorado.

OF COURSE IT WAS ALL GEORGE BUSH'S FAULT!!!

"I, along with Alex Jones, am pleading with Obama to launch a further investigation into whether George Bush beat my wife on Christmas Afternoon."

-Truth-er Sheen when reached for interrogation. Sheen's publicist has asked Americans to not

"JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS."

In related news, WOW WHAT A SURPRISE THIS WANNA-BE TERRORIST IS FROM NIGERIA. WHAT A SURPRISE THAT HIS NAME IS ABDUL. Editors here at The Crackhead Almanac were COMPLETELY, COMPLETELY SHOCKED. We would have thought the guy would approach an un-assuming flight attendant and ask her to deposit money in a foreign account, most thanksful dear.

And, yes, in Obama's America, people with "definite" connections to Al-Qaeda are allowed to travel freely on Commercial Airliners.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPE YOU LIKE THE CHANGE YOU "VOTED" FOR.

Well, well, well......Such a wonderful Christmas season we have here.

Berlusconi attacked by a moron weilding a heavy little statue.
A woman jumps the fence at St. Peter's Basilica and knocks over the Pope sending a cardinal to the hospital.
Country Music is becoming increasingly inundated by singers who sound like flaming homosexuals, singing about "kegs in the closet," and labels shoving in liberal agenda about "No wars no more," men being pigs, oh it definitely "pays to be a mean girl" in our "cruel world."  The Liberals have destroyed a form of music which used to be Pro-American.

How many times can Reba McEntire say we should "Consider" her "gone?" She seems to love sticking around saying that. Oh well..... Whats up with these country pop tarts whining about dudes that left them when they were 15? We here at the CRACKHEAD ALMANAC are starting to side with Kanye West because anyone who Obams thinks is "A Jackass," well that guys alright in our book.....

Best of all, Liberals in Washington DC are rolling around on the floor worshipping themselves pretending to believe that they have given a wonderful Holiday Gift to America's poor homeless minorities. Socialized Health care. A complete total destructive force with America's pursuit of happiness in its glowing crosshairs.
Sources confirm that the Liberals in DC have once and for all SOLVED the immigration issue. BUT OF COURSE!!! If they can turn the United States into a land where NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER WANT TO LIVE, A LAND WHERE HEALTH AND PEACE ARE BOTH THINGS OF DAYS GONE BY, WHY, WHO THE HELL WOULD EVER WANT TO MOVE THERE????

Yes. we here at The Crackhead Almanac are waiting, patiently, to see those 30 million people GIVE BACK THE JOBS THEY STOLE AND THE TAXES THEY REFUSE TO PAY AND start migrating back across the Mexico and Canadian Borders. One elderly woman claims that she saw a small gang of Cuban children jumping into Miami Florida canals headed straight back to Cuba so they can make medicine to export back to America. It is so wonderful. Mr. Obama is prepared to make way for Importation of Foreign Medicines, thereby increasing the workloads and paychecks of EVEN MORE FREAKING FOREIGNERS. YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, oBAMAS MAKING JOBS IN MANY COUNTRIES OTHER THAN IN AMERICA. We here have to settle for "saved" jobs.

Such Brilliance. on a lighter note:

HELLO!!! THE 911 TRUTH MOVEMENT IS TERRORIST MOVEMENT!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?
AND IN COPENHAGEN, THEY ARE SPEWING TEAR GAS IN HOPES OF REDUCING CO2 OUTPUT LIKE A TRUCKLOAD FULL OF LUNATIC MANIAC LIBERAL DRONES!!!!

Oh, and worst of all Obama has convinced GM to stop producing Big Blocks. What a bunch of worthless panzy tree hugger fairies.

But we must practice tolerance, children.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

NEWS SCANDALS!!!

A rich and famous Female Athlete was found late Friday night, injured in the front of her expensive SUV. It appears that her husband smashed in the side windows for some unapparent reason. The repair costs will be of little concern as Mrs. Famous Female Athlete makes over $50 Million per year selling watches and razors and rolling little balls around in front yards allover the world.

UPDATE: Sources now confirm that Mrs. Famous Female Athlete was attacked by her obviously victimized, continually truthful, subservient husband. After hitting her in the face numerous times, local witnesses reportedly saw the poor saddened man smashing in windows of The Female Athlete's SUV with golf clubs, and yelling obscenities. After hitting his wife in the face for a few more moments, the man stepped back, dropped the golf clubs and began to sob uncontrollably. Women at the scene began to hug him and wipe away his tears.

"He just kept screaming things like "You trashy slut! How could you sleep with all of those guys and then think I wouldn't care??!!!!" He was yelling about her spending their child's college fund on trips to San Francisco or something, and then he threw bricks at her as she drove away...."

-Anonymous female witness

Global news sources and tabloids have already produced numerous articles, and aired television footage, praising the poor helpless husband for his ability to marry the woman so that he could later divorce her for what will amount to over $35 million per year of dreadful marriage to such a whore-ish woman. These articles and shows are also praising him for being so truthful to her and then beating her violently as punishment for her loose behavior. Some sources claim that the man's father also battered her from time to time. It is reported that the Famous Female Athlete spent over $10,000 each on over 6 male prostitutes in a single weekend.  When reached for interviews, most of the poor dudes explained how they were using the cash to pay for books and other education expenses.

"Like, dude that woman gets around...Yeah...If I didn't have to donate so much money and time to local charities and homeless shelters I'd totally be hitting her in the face for being such a whore. I hope I don't ever have to beat my woman for sleeping around like she does. I don't understand how some women make so much and then think its ok to do whatever, even if it means ruining the name of [UNNAMED SPORT].

-Anonymous Male escort (who has wonderful virtues)

IN A RELATED STORY: Former White House aides are now claiming that Hillary Clinton had close to 5 times as many affairs as former downtrodden subservient President Bill Clinton.

OTHER NEWS: Shelia Flint has now created a brand new collection of popular female dating websites which are sure to be extremely profitable. Flint was available to provide a brief description:

"Well, the way it works, is like, fat ugly women can sign up and become members of my new sites. Here, the fat ugly women pay like $50 per month to try to meet dudes, only, the catch is that there aren't any real dudes. Its like all fake profiles!!! Ha! So yeah like the whole website is a bunch of sad women, trying to find somebody to talk to and at the end of the day theres nobody there but fat sad ugly women!!! Sometimes the sad chicks post pictures of dudes to try to get more hits.....I know. I'm a genius you don't have to tell me!"

-Online Marketing Mogul Sheila Flint

CRACKHEAD ALMANAC editors are in agreement that Sheila definitely IS a genius for sure!!!

NATIONAL ASSOCIATION for MEN:
Here at The Crackhead Almanac, we, from time to time like to take a moment out of our busy schedules to shine the glory on organizations and associations which have been created for the simple betterment of society.

N.A.M.

We are all in joyous celebration because the National Association for Men has been formed!!! NAM has brought unprecedented legislation before the sumpreme court. One piece, which is sure to be passed, is

#6969+ Bad Mate Vengeance Bill: This bill ensures that if a man sleeps around too much in one month, he is actually legally allowed to murder one or more children simply to feel a heightened sense of personal liberation!!! 

Domestic Verbal Abuse #007-: This legal platform will give men who are married or are in unfulfilling relationships the ability to sue a woman or multiple women for saying abusive assaulting phrases like "couch potato" "sports junkie" "deadbeat" "dope" or "slob."

Finally some progress is taking place in this great land of ours!!!

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

MINORITY WOMAN MURDERED BY US POSTAL TRUCK AND TOM BROKAW'S LIBERAL BIAS

Sources confirm that a minority woman by the name of Suejaes Estrada was killed after jumping 40 feet from a NY expressway friday afternoon. Her body was found near one of Joe Biden's AMTRAK train tracks. Crime Scene Investigators found a small diary in Estrada's vehicle. In that diary there were excerpts which read quote:

"I can't take any more of Biden and his AMTRAK. I've grown weary of this world and it's many US postal service trucks. Oh my lord is that TOM BROKAW???" (unintelligle scribbles follow)

Despite her SUV being green in color, that was apparently not enough for the Karma Police who arrived later at the scene and argued with the USPS investigators. Tom Brokaw (age 69) and his wife were in fact involved in the accident.which occurred on Friday afternoon. Some local psychic investigators are claiming that the entire ordeal was to blame on a noted "trifecta of liberalism" in which forces of liberalism and government control converged on one NY expressway thereby forcing the Hispanic woman to end it once and for all. Police have not confirmed whether the notorious spool of wire was owned by Tom Brokaw. Brokaw was driving a 2006 Volvo station wagon which was reportedly very "socialistic looking." Witnesses at the scene confirm that the Brokaws survived because of that angled piece of trim on the grille that until this afternoon was labeled as being "pointless" and "without function" by auto enthusiasts worldwide.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.

RANDOM NEWS BITS!

Congrats to Barack Obama for deciding to send 30,000 troops to afghan world, even if he tainted the promise with other nods to fellow cowering liberals who hate the thought of American victory, peace, stability, etc. Shame on Obama for trying to act as if Hasan might NOT be a terrorist after all, no simply a muslim who lives around weapons and shoots members of the American military on American soil. Nope, not a terrorist at all! Happy belated Thanksgiving to all, and welcome for this year's MERRY CHRISTMAS! (haha "Obama" still has a red line under it...Sorry buddy, still not important enough to be in the dictionary....) It is now obvious to us all that the failing newspapers have been worshiping the liberals in Washington DC because those pinkos are the only link between the failing newspapers and your hard-earned tax dollars. Funny, if the papers would report the news accurately, maybe somebody would buy the trash they distribute. Sorry but only conservative blogs like ye olde CRACKHEAD ALMANAC will give you the truth. Newsweak and CRIME magazine continue to publish controversial covers, and more and more media outlets are secretly jumping on the tea party ideological bandwagon which bemoans the US government for its rampant liberal spending and debt increase. Hell, even NPR and SNL have been trashing DC for misdirected tax dollars and stupid government programs like cash for clunkers. DC! Don't give the lame-o papers a bailout. If you do, then well we can all agree that the government is buying media for everybody, well equipped with wonderful compliments for the DC libs. In related news, well Mike Huckabee has found himself in a bit of trouble. It's a complicated issue. Mike is a like-able fellow. but many red blooded conservatives are scrutinizing his past release of the Washington state cop killer. Alan Grayson continues to wave his white flag trying to get more attention from people because he is stupid. Why so desperate for fame lame-o? Well here's some helpful information for you. If you're looking for a job, there are a number things you can do. 

Millennium CHECK LIST:

1. Read your Bible and pray to God.

2. Start a blogger page/website or two, which highlight your wonderful life accomplishments!

3. Start a blogger page/website where you can upload pictures of junk you would like to sell. Link to those posts from www.craigslist.org. You will be surprised with all of the money you will make! The only problem with craigslist is that you have to update the ads every month. And people call you at all hours of the night to buy your junk. Seriously.

4. Upload every document you've ever written in Microsoft word, (including your resume) to www.scribd.com. The people there will read all your stuff and you will get famous!

5. Upload your resume and cover letter to every job website you can find. Apply to every local job on those sites, and be sure to avoid pyramid schemes, scams, and hidden pro-bono "opportunities."

6. Link your sites on Google Analytics. It is cool. 

7. Collect all of the precious metal you can find, like gold, brass, silver, steel, aluminum, lead, etc....

8. Fix all of the taillights on your vehicle, and make sure your license plate is renewed. Make sure your proof of insurance and registration are readily available. Try not to drive late at night. Especially during the holidays. 

9. Send lots and lots of $$$ to Crackhead Almanac Editors!

10. Read the U.S. Constitution, Especially if you are a politician or lawmaker. 

11. Soundproof your house if you are a heavy metal Rockstar. 

12. Always answer the phone if there might be $$$ on the line. 

13. Buy an old submarine and restore it. Because even if there is no global flood in 2012, there will be a whole bunch of nut jobs trying to buy it from you in 2011. (were waiting for www.2012submarines.biz right now)'

14. Listen to AM radio. Constantly tell your friends how the Ad Council is kinda lame and annoying. Especially if they work for the Ad Council. Ugh. Is nobody freaking tired of these stupid ads? Like the one where the girl is bitching about her husband being a war veteran, or the one where the Mom is baby talking her kid on the beach right before a tide of jellyfish washes in and says; "Shut the hell up!" Like all these people are too dumb to whine on NPR...

15. Go to www.komando.com and check out the cool security downloads!

16. Refrain from buying newspapers. 

17. Refrain from purchasing cable. Don't buy the products advertised on liberal tv shows.

18. Try not to pay for movie tickets. 

19. Learn how to fix your car, or buy a new Chevy or a Ford. 

20. NEVER employ illegal immigrants. 

21. If you are a professor, open your mind to new technology. Get your assignment sheets right and stick by them. DO NOT impose double standards. If you teach at a Christian college, try sometime to follow the 10 commandments instead of the liberal close minded dogma trafficked by other doomed communist professors. 

These are just a few ways to be a true American in this new millennium.

THE CRACKHEAD ALMANAC.